My Final Alignment

This is not an essay that I am typing out on a laptop; this is my tipping point. A possibility that I have tussled with for quite some time now. A realization. A clarity that I can finally declare.

A human has almost 60–70 years of healthy, active life, out of which I have lived half and, if everything goes well, another half lies ahead of me. Now, everyone has a different story, and this is mine. And in my story, the first three decades, I was at war. A physical, mental, emotional, and financial war. I have bled and dragged myself through leech-infested swamps to reach where I am today. And in the recent past, I spent time recovering from things I never signed up for, pain that came too early, and responsibilities that were never mine to carry. 

After three decades of bloodshed, famines, and droughts, I have finally found peace. And I will not let it slip. But where might it go now? You may think, well, the biggest taker lurking on the edge is society. The society that is telling me to bear children and become a mother, like that is the ultimate goal for a woman, the pinnacle of existence. It might be for most women, but it is not for me.

I am not saying this because I think that being a mother is a bad thing, no, in fact, quite the contrary. Being a mother is a form of supreme sacrifice. It takes a lot of strength, endurance, and warrior spirit to be a mother, it is almost superhuman. And that’s precisely the reason why it is not for me. I have been bleeding for the last 30 years, and I don’t want to sacrifice the peace that I have finally gotten, even if it is for a cause as noble as raising a child. And I know for a fact that I’ll snap, and I don’t want to fail at being a mother, which is a sin, because I’ll end up ruining a life. I have a lot of love to give, but no sacrifices left in me to make for the newborn after barely surviving the last three decades myself. If it is too bad to not be a mother, then it is even worse to be a bad mother. So I pick the former.

I have chosen to be child-free, not because I can’t love or don’t have love to give. But because I love differently. I have deeply studied myself and figured out what brings me peace and what brings me pain, and how I can best use the next 3 decades left in front of me.

As most people who know me know, I was raised by my grandparents, and I love them immensely. The way a new mother feels for all the young kids, that’s how I feel for all the old people in this world. Like they are my own grandparents, and I want to give them all the love and care in the world.

The thing that moves me the most, and immediately brings tears to my eyes, makes me cry, and scream with rage, is when I see videos of people abandoning their old parents on the roads, ill-treating them, throwing them out of their homes, abusing them, and whatnot. And I want to do something about it.

And now, for all the life that is left for me, I want to channel all my strength, resources, and energy into doing something about this pain point, instead of investing it all in raising a child. Don’t come at me now with “you can do both.” Well, I don’t want to do both. I don’t want to do two things and fail at both. And you can’t risk failing at raising a child; you shouldn’t; that’s a life you’re dealing with. And no working mother would split the limited time, money, and energy she has onto something other than her child when he/she needs it, and they need it for a good 20–25 years. And the calling I have for serving the elderly is way stronger than I have for being a mother, if at all. And this isn’t an impulsive decision, I have thought this through. I know that my calling for seva is very strong, and I don’t want to suppress it.

I am not against children. In fact, I’m very pro raising children well, if you have the emotional, mental, and financial capacity, and if you want to be a parent, and if being a parent is your calling, then go ahead and do it. But it is definitely not mine, so I won’t.

Long term, I want to make a lot of money, not because I am materialistic. I’m not. I do love to travel and see the world, which takes money, sure. But it keeps me sane, too. Apart from travel, I want to make a lot of money to open an old age home. Buy land, and build a multi-storey old age home on it. It will cost a lot of money and will require me to work extra hard (another reason why I shouldn’t be a mom, physically and emotionally absent mother is a curse for a child), take up heavy jobs, buy a plot of land, hire builders, etc., and all these things take up a lot of money. Then the facility will need rooms, utilities, in-house nurses, cooks, guards, ration and groceries, and whatnot. All this requires a lot of financial investment too. But I make this choice. I take this path.

Instead of bringing another child to this planet, already holding 8.5 billion people, and investing all these resources into him/her, I want to put them into building an old age home and take care of hundreds of elderly people in pain. 

I have asked myself this question a lot of times, more times than I can count: What brings me joy? Not borrowed joy. Not second-hand approval. But real, soul-rooted joy. What kind of life do I truly want? And here is what I’ve found: I am happiest when I am in seva, serving something larger than myself. I find joy in seva that flows from strength, not exhaustion.

I do not want to get married either, just because I’m “supposed to.” But if I ever choose a partner, and that’s a big if, it will be with someone who understands that marriage is not a roleplay of archaic gender duties. I don’t want to be a wife in the traditional sense. I want to be a true partner. A best friend. A fellow builder of something beautiful and larger than both of us. But if I walk this path alone, I will walk it joyfully. Because my life is already whole.

I do not want children of my own. I say this without shame, hesitation, or guilt. This choice isn’t born of fear or lack of love, it’s born of vision. Instead of adding one more child to this world and getting a pat on the back from society, I’d like to add one more old age home, and be of service to the lives that already exist, especially those the world has abandoned, even if I get shamed by this society for abandoning motherhood for it.

My final alignment: 

I want to make money, honestly, abundantly, and use it with deep intentionality. I want my spirit to be nurtured, so that the kindness I give is deep, sustainable, and generative. And eventually, I want to build something with all that I’ve gathered.

A home. But not for me. A home for the elderly who have no one. A place where dignity lives again. Where people can age with care, laughter, medical attention, good food, and the warmth of community. So many older people are abandoned, forgotten, dying on the streets, and I refuse to look away. This is where I want to pour my energy, my devotion, my seva. Not into what society defines as success for a woman, but into a larger purpose that I believe in with my whole heart. This is not rebellion. This is clarity. I’m not anti-marriage. I’m not anti-children. I’m not anti-anything. I’m just for alignment, for radical self-honesty, and for the version of the world I want to leave behind.

So no, this life I’m building won’t include kids, for sure. It may or may not include a partner. But it will definitely include purpose, impact, and seva. I love to serve. Seva is my soul’s language, and this is my truth. And I’m going to live it, fully, intentionally, and without apology.

Namaste,

M. Dhariwal.