What is Life Really About?

Hi everyone!

First of all, I wish you all a very happy new year! I know I am a bit late, but only 3.29% of the year has passed so far, so I hope it still counts xD.

This weekend, I was reflecting on a few things with my brother (who, I hate to admit, is a very wise man). It pushed me to think harder about a few questions: ‘What is life all about?’, ‘What should we optimize it for?’, ‘How do we find a purpose?’, ‘What is a purpose?’, and ‘What should we strive for?’—among others.

Now, I am well aware that I am no Russell, Camus, or Kafka, but I, with all the audacity in my bones and blood, want to give it a shot. I want to get my perspective out of my system, make it a bit more tangible, and serve it to you, hot, on a plate—or an AMOLED screen in this case, lol. Let’s begin.

So, what is life about?

As far as I have understood, in 27 years of my existence, life is primarily about three things.

First, studying ourselves—our reactions, to be specific. Life is a journey toward minimizing our reactions. If ten things made me angry or irritated last year, and now only nine do, it is growth. This happens when you meticulously study your own reactions.

If someone hurts you, instead of wasting your time and energy on planning revenge or seeking explanations, turn inward. Thank the other person for revealing your trigger and get to work. Begin digging until you find the source of your reaction—the root—and then uproot it. Life is about striving to bring down this “reaction number” from ten to zero.

This doesn’t mean you become detached or numb. It just means that no ‘reaction’ comes out of you. The outside world no longer has a button for your emotions; only you do. This gives you agency over your reactions—shifting from knee-jerk actions and impulsive, bitter words to a more regulated response to external stimuli.

Observe your reactions as you would observe a butterfly in a garden. Identify and uproot each reaction, one at a time, with patience and love. Make this “reaction observation” your most important project—become the project manager of your soul.

I read a story somewhere that really helped me picture this. It went something like this: There was a man, with three buckets, standing in front of three wells. He throws the blue bucket into the first well, pulls it out, and finds it loaded with rasmalai. Then he moves to the second well, tosses in the pink bucket, pulls it out, and finds it brimming with whiskey. Finally, he throws the white bucket into the third well, pulls it out, and sees it’s filled with water. Surprised enough, he experimented by using different buckets for different wells, but each well gave out the same thing every time. He then concluded that no matter what colour of bucket he uses, he can only pull out what is already inside. He realized that his action of throwing in the bucket and pulling it out just revealed to the world what was already inside. He understood that whatever comes out has nothing to do with the buckets and everything to do with the well. 

So, when something happens and you immediately get furious, only you are responsible for it—nobody else. That rage and bitterness were already inside you; it just got revealed by a trigger. So, we must make attempts to clean the well (read: ourselves) from the inside so that when anyone throws in a bucket (read: trigger), only water (read: love) comes out.

I know, I know a well full of rasmalai is a bit much, but it’s my favourite dessert, so I let my imagination run wild a little—moving on.

So once you’ve weeded out enough reactions and are sufficiently emotionally regulated, you should actively start living for something bigger than yourself, something people usually call a “purpose.”

That brings us to the second point, which is making attempts to move closer to your purpose.

But what is a purpose? As far as I have understood, it is to find a problem that you think should be solved and work towards solving it. Imagine the world as a sick human being, suffering from a million diseases. Pick one disease that you feel strongly about, and work towards maximizing your contribution in curing it. It can be anything—pollution, women’s safety, men’s rights, education, the welfare of the elderly, storytelling, equality, farmers, children, healthcare—the list is endless. Pick a problem that you think must be solved urgently, build the skill set needed to solve it, and get to work. But don’t think you’ll eradicate the problem completely; the world isn’t that simple, and you’ll get hurt and demotivated very soon. Work with a passion and intention that, even if you are able to make the life of just one person better, it is great. Then, slowly and gradually, increase the area of your impact.

Now the next step for most people is to build or join organizations and companies around this passion (great idea!), which helps them sustain themselves and also expand the impact area. This is the point, I feel, where most people go wrong—the point where their vision becomes unidirectional, tunneled. The point where they lose touch with the bigger purpose. Let me expand on this a bit.

So, we build businesses (which we should) with good intentions, run companies, make money, and create impact. But a company is run by people; good intentions are executed by good people. So, once the main person, or the visionary, leaves or loses touch with the last human layer of the organization, the first thing that goes out of the window is the intention with which the company was created in the first place. Over time, it becomes just a very ‘profitable’ company, even if it was started with the intention of improving the social fabric.

So, I think if we truly want to create a lasting impact, along with purpose-driven companies, we need people with high compassion and competence, which I have come to realize is a very rare combination to find in a single person. So, what’s the solution? Bear & raise such children. I know it sounds a bit eccentric, but where will this kind and competent workforce come from to keep the good work rolling if we keep becoming more and more hyper-individualistic as a society?

In my modest opinion, people, when they feel emotionally, mentally, and financially ready, should find a kind and competent partner, marry them, and raise children together, either their own or adopted. Now, this might trigger a lot of people, and I understand why. I was on the other side of the table not long ago, so I understand the rage, but people, please give it a thought. One of the best things you can do for society is to give it kind and competent human beings to run it well. But do this ONLY if, and when, you are financially ready and have found a good partner, so the children are raised right; otherwise, don’t marry at all, because bearing children when you aren’t ready or when you don’t have the right partner to raise them with does more harm than good, both to society and to the child.

So, you want to make society better? Become a better member, but also make better members for the future, after you are gone. Because after all, businesses are run by people; the world is run by people, so take responsibility for raising better people for the future.

At some point in time, we should stop living just for ourselves, but most people run away from partnerships and companionships (even the healthy ones) because they fear it slows down their growth (I was this person for a very long time). But this fear is legit, because a misaligned partner might not even slow you down but could totally ruin your growth. On the contrary, with the right partner—someone who runs on compassion and has a worldview aligned with yours—life becomes sweeter, much sweeter, and your growth also accelerates because your growth maximises among the people on a similar mission, not in isolation.

So, once you attain a decent grounding, look for a partner—someone who is not just a hot girlfriend or a handsome boyfriend but also someone who will be a good father to your children, someone you’d want your daughter to become like, someone you can raise kind and competent children with.

And these two sets (working towards a cause and preparing the next generation to sustain it) aren’t mutually exclusive. Both of them are simultaneously possible, and in fact, it is best if they happen simultaneously—moving towards your purpose while also building a healthy family with an aligned companion along the way. This, in fact, doubles down on your purpose; it doesn’t take anything away from it. The home team grows stronger; the foundation thickens.

Third, building human wealth. We, especially men, go all in on building material wealth, which we should, because society is structured that way. But we should put equal effort into building human wealth.

Human wealth is not your ‘network’ that you’ve built to expand your business (which is essential; businesses run on a good network), but I am not referring to that here. Your human wealth is different from your network—very different.

Human wealth includes the people you can meet and spend time with, without any agenda. The people you know who will never hurt you intentionally. The ones you can talk to without needing alcohol. People you can be silly with, be ugly with, and still feel loved. People you don’t have to perform for.

Human wealth consists of people with whom you can share what’s in your heart, not just in your head. So, put in equal efforts, if not more, in building your own human wealth, and become this warm person for others too.

So, in my opinion (which might change as I evolve with time), life is about doing three things: studying yourself, moving closer to your purpose, and building your human wealth.

But above all, the most important thing is to have a lot of fun while you’re doing them!

Ciao!

Wishing you a fantastic year ahead.

Love,

M. Dhariwal