From Pain To Power: A Guide to Identify & Heal Your Traumas

In the quest for well-being, here, I will avoid sharing generic pieces of advice that you must have heard enough by now, such as meditating, going for a run, eating healthy, getting plenty of sleep, avoiding alcohol, and drinking water, etc. While these practices undeniably have their merits, I believe they belong to the later stages of healing, not the initial identification of the problem. Personally, I’m convinced that you can’t fix something until you understand how, where, and to what extent it is broken. I firmly believe that we are the stories we tell ourselves, and to truly heal from within, we must change and reshape those narratives. However, this process is not as straightforward as it may seem. Let me share with you the method I’ve developed over time with the help of professionals, books, research papers, and reflection.

So here is the 10-step process that I’ve figured out over time. I hope it may help you too 🙂

Step 1: Document Your Emotions

Express your emotions in the moment, most likely on your phone. Documentation is essential to understand and figure out what we are dealing with. Write freely without any inhibition at all, as no one is ever going to read it (because it is your notepad, duh?). Imagine writing on a paper you’ll immediately throw into the fire once finished. Don’t hold back anything, and don’t even remotely try to make it grammatically or socially correct. Become a pen and let your emotions flow through you.

Step 2: Reflect with a Clear Head

Return to your notes a couple of days later when your emotions have settled, and you have a relatively clear headspace. Read them as if you were a professor analyzing someone else’s research paper. This distance allows for a more objective perspective.

Step 3: Label Your Emotions

When reflecting on your documented emotions, try labelling them. Humans experience a vast range of emotions every day, but we often generalize them under broad terms like feeling ‘off’ or ‘weird.’ This is a bigger problem than we might think. Imagine being a class teacher of a class with 30 students, dealing with them for a year without knowing their names—it would be challenging, right? So, cut yourself some slack and label your emotions specifically.

Here is a range of emotions that we experience on a daily basis-

The goal is to move beyond generalizations and articulate what you’re truly feeling. Instead of merely saying, “I feel weird” or going silent, strive for clarity. For instance, identify if a situation is making you feel angry, guilty, or helpless. This precision in labelling lays the foundation for a more accurate understanding of your emotional landscape, a critical step in the journey towards healing. 

Step 4: Identify Triggering Thoughts

Pinpoint the thought that triggers the identified emotion and express it in a structured way. This exercise helps clarify the relationship between thoughts and emotions.

So, the template is: “I am feeling <insert emotion> because <insert thought>.”

For example: “I am feeling <anxious> because <I am scared that she will leave me>.”

Here’s a list of thoughts that people commonly have, which may lead to various emotional responses:

1. I am scared of the unknown future.
2. I am not getting enough attention from the people I care about.
3. It seems like I am being overlooked or forgotten.
4. I am haunted by the thought that she will leave me.
5. I worry that I am not significant enough to stay in someone’s life.
6. The fear of being abandoned is causing me distress.
7. I have a gut feeling that he will betray my trust.
8. The fear of betrayal is making it hard for me to trust others.
9. I do not feel heard or understood in my relationships.
10. It seems like my opinions and feelings are being ignored.
11. The lack of acknowledgement makes me feel invisible.
12. I feel like they want to hurt me intentionally.
13. The thought that someone has ill intentions towards me is distressing.
14. I’m constantly on edge, expecting others to harm me emotionally.
15. I fear rejection or abandonment.
16. I am worried about what others think of me.
17. I feel lonely and disconnected.
18. I miss someone who is no longer in my life.
19. The world feels unfair and unjust.
20. I feel betrayed by someone I trusted.

Step 5: Map Thoughts with Fears

Connect the thought with its underlying fear. Understand the deeper fear associated with the identified thought. This step digs into the root causes of emotional responses. Here’s a more comprehensive list of fears that adults may have, often stemming from past traumas:

1. Fear of Abandonment: Rooted in experiences of being abandoned, neglected, or having inconsistent caregiving during childhood.
2. Fear of Rejection: Arises from experiences of rejection, criticism, or a lack of acceptance during formative years, such as in family, peer groups, or romantic relationships.
3. Fear of Failure: Linked to experiences of high expectations, perfectionism, or harsh consequences for mistakes during childhood.
4. Fear of Betrayal: Developed through experiences of betrayal or breaches of trust, often in significant relationships.
5. Fear of Intimacy: This may result from experiences of trauma, abuse, or violation of personal boundaries, leading to difficulties in forming close, intimate connections.
6. Fear of Inadequacy: Rooted in experiences of feeling inadequate, incompetent, or not measuring up to expectations during childhood.
7. Fear of Helplessness or Powerlessness: Arises from situations where the individual felt powerless or helpless in the face of trauma or adversity.
8. Fear of Criticism: Developed through experiences of constant criticism, judgment, or harsh evaluations during childhood.
9. Fear of Abusive Relationships: Stemming from experiences of physical, emotional, or verbal abuse in past relationships, leading to heightened vigilance and fear of repeating such experiences.
10. Fear of Loss: Arises from experiences of significant losses in the past, such as the death of a loved one, divorce, or other separations.
11. Fear of Trusting Others: Linked to experiences of betrayal or broken trust, making it difficult for individuals to trust others in subsequent relationships.
12. Fear of Vulnerability: Developed through experiences where being vulnerable led to negative consequences or exploitation.
13. Fear of Abandonment in Relationships: Specific to romantic relationships, fear of being left or abandoned by a partner.
14. Fear of Loneliness: Developed through experiences of isolation or lack of companionship during childhood.
15. Fear of Success: Stemming from past experiences where success led to negative consequences or increased expectations.
16. Fear of Authority Figures: Arising from traumatic experiences with authority figures during childhood, leading to fear and avoidance.
17. Fear of Change: Linked to experiences where change resulted in upheaval, instability, or negative consequences.
18. Fear of Confrontation: Developed through experiences of conflict or confrontation that were handled poorly or aggressively.
19. Fear of Being Unlovable: Rooted in experiences that conveyed a lack of love, acceptance, or worthiness during formative years.
20. Fear of Repeating Family Patterns: Arises from negative or dysfunctional family experiences, leading to a fear of perpetuating similar patterns in one’s own relationships or family.

It’s important to recognize that these fears can be interconnected, and individuals may experience a combination of them based on their unique life experiences.

Step 6: Explore Past Incidents

Now that we have identified the fear and want to eliminate it, we need to figure out what caused it in the first place. Let’s dig deeper, go into the past, and try & put our finger on the root cause of this fear.

In most cases, these deep-rooted fears come from instances that have had a huge impact on us while growing up or as an adult. These fear-inducing events can include parental divorce, loss of a loved one, relocation to a new place, experiencing bullying, educational challenges, peer rejection, pressure to meet parental expectations, the first romantic relationship, exposure to traumatic events such as accidents, natural disasters, or violence, parental substance abuse, family financial struggles, parental approval or disapproval, identity exploration, friendship  betrayal, parental overprotection, etc.

Step 7: Cross-Verify with Adult Behavior

Once you’ve identified the deep-rooted fear, map it with your adult behaviour. Analyze if your current actions are governed or influenced by the identified fears (they most probably are). This process helps in understanding how past experiences influence present behaviour, as your inner child resides in your unconscious mind and governs 95% of your emotions, thoughts, and adult behaviour. See if that fear is the cause of your adult behaviour and sit with it. Give yourself time to process things at a pace that suits you best; there is no rush. Here is a brief mapping to make your journey easier-  

1. Fear of Abandonment:

Childhood Trauma: Parental divorce or separation, consistent neglect.

Adult Behavior: Clinging to relationships, fear of being alone, difficulty trusting partners.

2. Fear of Rejection:

Childhood Trauma: Frequent experiences of peer rejection, lack of acceptance at home.

Adult Behavior: Avoiding social situations, seeking constant approval, difficulty asserting oneself.

3. Fear of Failure:

Childhood Trauma: High parental expectations, harsh criticism for mistakes.

Adult Behavior: Procrastination due to fear of not meeting expectations, perfectionism, imposter syndrome.

4. Fear of Betrayal:

Childhood Trauma: Betrayal by a trusted caregiver, witnessing parental betrayal.

Adult Behavior: Difficulty trusting others, keeping emotional distance, hypervigilance for signs of betrayal.

5. Fear of Intimacy:

Childhood Trauma: Lack of emotional connection with caregivers, intrusive boundaries.

Adult Behavior: Avoiding deep emotional connections, fear of vulnerability, and difficulty expressing emotions.

6. Fear of Inadequacy:

Childhood Trauma: Constant comparison to siblings, never feeling “good enough.”

Adult Behavior: Persistent self-doubt, seeking external validation, imposter syndrome.

7. Fear of Helplessness or Powerlessness:

Childhood Trauma: Witnessing domestic violence, experiencing physical or emotional abuse.

Adult Behavior: Avoiding situations where control is limited, struggle with asserting boundaries.

8. Fear of Criticism:

Childhood Trauma: Harsh parental criticism, lack of constructive feedback.

Adult Behavior: Perfectionism, sensitivity to criticism, avoiding risks to prevent judgment.

9. Fear of Abusive Relationships:

Childhood Trauma: Growing up in an abusive household, witnessing domestic violence.

Adult Behavior: Tolerating abusive behavior, difficulty recognizing healthy relationships.

10. Fear of Loss:

Childhood Trauma: Significant losses during childhood (e.g., death of a parent, relocation).

Adult Behavior: Attachment anxiety, fear of forming deep connections, avoidance of loss triggers.

11. Fear of Trusting Others:

Childhood Trauma: Repeated betrayals or breaches of trust.

Adult Behavior: Difficulty forming trusting relationships, skepticism, and keeping an emotional distance.

12. Fear of Vulnerability:

Childhood Trauma: Punishment for showing emotions, and lack of emotional support.

Adult Behavior: Avoiding emotional openness, fear of being judged for vulnerability.

13. Fear of Abandonment in Relationships:

Childhood Trauma: Parental inconsistency, unpredictable caregiving.

Adult Behavior: Clinging to relationships, fear of being left, anxious attachment.

14. Fear of Loneliness:

Childhood Trauma: Isolation, lack of companionship during formative years.

Adult Behavior: Fear of being alone, staying in unfulfilling relationships to avoid loneliness.

15. Fear of Success:

Childhood Trauma: Punishment for outshining others, fear of jealousy.

Adult Behavior: Self-sabotage, imposter syndrome, fear of the responsibilities that come with success.

16. Fear of Authority Figures:

Childhood Trauma: Authoritarian parenting, harsh discipline.

Adult Behavior: Fear of authority, difficulty asserting oneself in professional settings.

17. Fear of Change:

Childhood Trauma: Unstable living conditions, frequent relocations.

Adult Behavior: Resistance to change, fear of the unknown, difficulty adapting to new circumstances.

18. Fear of Confrontation:

Childhood Trauma: Witnessing or experiencing aggressive confrontations.

Adult Behavior: Avoiding conflicts, fear of confrontation, difficulty expressing dissent.

19. Fear of Being Unlovable:

Childhood Trauma: Lack of affection or affirmation, emotional neglect.

Adult Behavior: Constantly seeking validation, fear of rejection, difficulty believing in one’s worthiness of love.

20. Fear of Repeating Family Patterns:

Childhood Trauma: Growing up in a dysfunctional family, witnessing destructive patterns.

Adult Behavior: Hyper-awareness of behaviours, fear of replicating negative patterns, seeking therapy to break the cycle.

Step 8: Acceptance

Once you’ve diligently identified and verified the root cause of your emotional responses, the next crucial step is acceptance. Acknowledge the incidents that led to certain emotions and accept that you had no control over them. Understand that you can’t change the past; it’s a fixed aspect of your history. This acknowledgement is not about condoning or approving past events but recognizing them as part of your personal narrative.

Acceptance is not resignation; rather, it is a conscious choice to release the grip of past events on your present self. By acknowledging and accepting the circumstances, you free yourself to focus on positive changes and the narrative you aim to create for your future. Remember, the power to shape your story lies in your acceptance of the chapters that have already been written.

Step 9: Change the Narrative

Acceptance of past events is essential, but equally crucial is reshaping the story you tell yourself about those events. Think of it like you’re the one holding the pen to your story. You’re the main character, and you have the power to consciously change the story to be more positive.  Understand that rewriting a story ingrained for over 25 years takes time; hence, be patient with yourself. 

As you navigate this step, continually reinforce the new narrative in your mind. Challenge the negative scripts that have dominated your thoughts and replace them with empowering and optimistic ones. By persistently telling yourself the new story, you actively participate in the healing process, gradually building a healthier and more resilient mindset

Step 10: Integrate Generic Practices

Now go ahead and implement all the generic well-being practices like meditation, exercise, healthy eating, and adequate sleep. But do this with your new story running in the back of your head.

Conclusion

The journey towards emotional healing is a personal and transformative process. By following the outlined 10-step guide, you can navigate the intricate landscape of your emotions, thoughts, and past experiences. From documenting your emotions to rewriting the narrative of your life, each step plays a crucial role in fostering self-awareness and resilience. Acceptance of past events provides the foundation, allowing you to consciously reshape the stories you tell yourself. Patience becomes your ally as you hold the pen to your own narrative, steering it towards a more positive future. The integration of generic well-being practices further fortifies your newfound mindset. Remember, healing is a gradual journey, and each step contributes to building a healthier and more resilient version of yourself. As you persistently embrace these steps, you actively participate in the ongoing process of personal growth and emotional well-being.